I’m not a Poet- A poem

I am not a poet

So don’t address me as such

I’m simply someone who writes down my emotions and thoughts

It allows me to process them creatively with seeing my words written down

I think a million times a minute so sometimes I can’t even keep up

There’s so much going on in my head at all times

There’s songs, arguments, scenarios, music, anxiety, anxiousness, disappointment, uncertainty, lust, anger, sadness and so many things

You probably think I’m crazy

I want to be able to sit and be aware of the things around me

Appreciate the time that I’m here

But my mind is filled with so many things that my memory is clogged between the things that I think and the things I’ve seen

Sometimes my thoughts are so vivid that they become real

And sometimes my dreams are so vivid that I get nervous because I never understand what they mean

So I read a lot and to try to redirect my focus

My attention span is so short that if yesterday passed I didn’t notice

I’m a writer a creative and I’m a lot of things 

But one thing I can tell you I am not, is a poet

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Validation – A poem

Every few years there’s a guy who comes into my life and disrupts my process

But I can only be at fault because I allow him to

All I want is somebody to talk to

Somebody who wants to talk to me

And every time I find myself giving more than I receive

Sometimes I try to be a strong woman who knows what she wants

I set the boundaries for the relationship and I don’t require much

Then later on down the line I’m left empty and unhappy because I gave myself away before anybody claimed to have wanted me in the first place

I can’t help but to be insecure and feel like I’m not good enough

I’m always just enough to be around but not enough to be desired

One day I want a husband and a family but I’ll never get there if I keep letting people use me before I get to him

Because now he’ll see me as broken and undesirable

All because I gave someone else the perks of his wife without commitment

This pattern of lust and uncertainty ends today

This interruption of my process will stop

I am a strong woman who knows what I want

And when you find me you will see that I am not broken

I may be used but I am not weak

And my misinterpretation of love will no longer suffice

I won’t let another guy disrupt my process with uncertainties, potential, lies and manipulation

That all ends here

So when you see me know that I’m not the same person who needed validation

7 Men -A poem

Dear Damar

You were my first and I loved us for what we were

when I walked away I knew I could walk away from anybody

So when I left you I met another body

Steve, you were my biggest crush, you were so fine

and everybody liked you

so I liked you too

The first time I let you hit I thought it was magic

But now that I’m  grown I realized it was average

After you, I took time to myself to be me

But after two years I realized I need me

So Gerald, we were friends

And All the girls liked you except me

But since we were friends I said fuck it let me see

It was cool I mean I can’t complain but it was like fucking my brother

So after you, I took more time for me and moved on to another

Rio, the boy I didn’t like but somehow fell in love

You were a good man but it took you way to long to care about us

So I left you and you made it clear you wanted me back

But once I get over you I ain’t  coming back

And you know what they say when you break up and all fails

The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else

So Mario, you were my rebound that I grew to like

And You taught me everything that all my new niggas like

At the time I thought you were the best I ever had

But I liked you too much and you just didn’t like me back

Lloyd, that’s not your real name but you look like him so fuck it

We fucked on the first date And ever since I let you touch it

You still text me to this day waiting for me to take you back

But you were the ultimate fuck boy and I ain’t having that

Chris, you are the seventh man who I let into my body

the way you touched my skin It was like Keith sweat Nobody

but we didn’t work out

and I’m ok with how we ended things

and sadly It took me seven men to realize that sex isn’t everything

My First Time

I know most of you have  your own horror stories about how you lost your virginity. Some of you might have really nice ones, but this ain’t that. I’m here to give the hard truth about what it felt like to lose my virginity. Long story short it was not pretty. So there I was fifteen years old with my then boyfriend.

I felt that fifteen was the perfect age to lose my virginity at the time. Now that I’m older I’ve realized it was bullshit. I convinced my mom to let me stay the night over a friends house. They were twin sisters and my other really close friend. Anyway we were drinking. That’s right! DRINKING! Hard liquor, Goose I think. And I was so drunk. My boyfriend was out at a tattoo party with his friends and at some point I called him. He realized I was staying the night at the twins house and decided to ditch the party and come home to me.

When he got there we just talked for a minute. He was so sweet and we kissed. Then we decided to go upstairs. I knew it was about to go down!!! In my Kevin Hart voice. I don’t know whose room we were in but we got in the bed and continued kissing. He slowly caressed me and took my clothes off. Then, he fingered me. It didn’t feel good but it didn’t hurt. I moaned anyway. Then he tried to put “IT” in and I almost had a heart attack. I didn’t look down or at “IT”.

It really hurt and he was like, “Are you OK, because that’s only the tip.” I said yes for I don’t know why and he slowly inched in. I felt like my ass was about to explode. My whole bottom half felt like it was spread wide open. Like I was going to shit on myself and all over the bed. It hurt so bad. I coped with the pain, moaning in agony.

My moans sounded like pleasure but really I was dying. Then he proceeded to flip me over and place me on top of him in the riding position. If you could see my face. I sat there for a minute because, mind you, I’m a virgin. I have no idea what to do and I feel like I’m about to shit on myself. So he held my waist and tried to help me. That lasted for about 20 seconds before I said OK that’s enough. Shit hurt like hell.

Then he tried another position!! I don’t know what convinced him that I was ready to take “IT” but I must be a good actor. So he pulled me by my legs to the side of the bed and proceeded to pound my insides. At that point I had enough. Too much pain and not enough pleasure so I called it quits. My friend ran me a bath and I just was in awe of what had taken place. I bled of course because that’s what happens.

Once I went back downstairs to the rest of the party who was there to witness my animal noises, he was there to comfort me. In the end I didn’t feel any different. Just pain. And regret. If I could do it over I would. If you’re reading this just know that as a teenager, losing your virginity isn’t like the movies. Also, I broke up with him not too long after that.

If you want to hear more stories like this, comment! Thank you!

Dirty Little Secrets 5

Hello readers! Yes I am back with another crazy story. If you have read my previous blogs, then you already know what this series is about. Remember in my previous blog Dirty Little Secrets 3, when I introduced a childhood friend named Shauna? If not, then you should go back and read it. Anyway this story is about how Shauna and I stopped being friends.

We were in all the same classes from 6 to 7th grade. That’s how we became so close. We formed a trio with Shauna, this girl Lauren and myself. After I started the rumor about Shauna stuffing her bra, we were kind of still friends, but more like frenemy’s. You know how middle school girls can be. Anyway, so in one of my classes I was friends with this really cool girl named Javee’. Javee’ was heavy set and not the cutest but she was really funny. When Shauna and I were close, she use to talk mad dirt about Javee’. I was friends with both of them so I just kept to myself and didn’t get involved.

One day though, I was outside with some of my classmates in the courtyard, and peeped that Shauna was being real buddy buddy with Javee’. Now, it could have been the jealousy in me that my two separate friends were being friendly towards each other. But, I felt like Shauna was fake as fuck (excuse my language) because she talked so much smack about this girl behind her back. In the mist of me making my “fake ass Shauna” statement, my other friend April asked me if I wanted Shauna to know what I said.

I said, “I don’t care.” And April proceeded to let Shauna know how I felt. Shauna got mad and used choice words (she called me a hoe which made no sense at all, she just wanted something to say). I decided to slap her. I don’t know why I didn’t expect her to hit me back, but she did and we got into a fight in the courtyard. My friends all raced to me when it was over, screaming how awesome it was and how I whooped her ass. We all ran away from the school before any teachers could come outside because Shauna went to go snitch.

When we got back from Thanksgiving break, the principal called me into his office and asked me to write a statement of what happened. After he read my statement he looked at me and basically didn’t believe my shit. I told him Shauna hit me first, which was a lie. Then the same friends that were cheering me on a few days ago snitched on me in their account saying how I started the fight. I don’t know if they actually told, but the principal said that they did and I believed him. Shauna’s mom was so mad she wanted to fight me.

I went home and told my mom I was suspended and all she asked was,”Did you win?”

That’s the end of this series for now. If you want to hear more stories comment bellow. Thanks guys!

Dirty Little Secrets 4

If you have read the first 3 blogs of this series, then you should already know what to expect. I have stories for days about my stupid kid logic and what I tried to get away with as a child. So lets continue shall we.

Now this story is a little different because its not something I did or purpose, nor do I think my punishment was necessary. So I’m in the third grade, and I remember we had those huge square desks that you could open up and put your utensils in. We also had assigned seats. I sat behind this chubby kid named, well I don’t remember his name. So I’ll call him, Duane. I sat behind chubby Duane, and all of our desks were in a row. At this particular time, we must not have been doing much work because a lot of my classmates were talking to each other.

I remember tapping chubby Duane on his shoulder to ask him something. He ignored me. I asked him again. He ignored me again. Without thinking I took my pencil and stuck him in the back of the arm to get his attention. It wasn’t sharp, however, immediately the little wimp called the teacher to tell on me. Obviously, I defended the situation because I didn’t think I did anything wrong. After that everything was fine, so I thought.

The next day at school, I’m standing by my locker talking to my friend. This big grumpy lady walked up on me (Remember I am in the 3rd grade) and asked me my name. I told her who I was and low and behold standing behind her is chubby Duane. His mother pointed her finger in my face and went, “Don’t you ever put your hands on my son again!” Then proceeded to show me his scratch that was literally the size of a maggot, if that. In my mind, I’m like, I barely touched dude, it’s not my fault his skin is made of paper. So she proceeded to make a scene and then I got called into the principals office.

Now we had a woman Principal so I’ll call her Shirley. Shirley had the most unflattering makeup I had ever seen. And, I barely knew anyone who wore makeup at that time but it was a hot mess. She looked exactly like someone who was prepared to be in a casket. Anyway, Shirley had expressed to me how disappointed she was of me and how the school doesn’t condone violence or bully’s blah blah blah. And I’m thinking, I’m really getting into trouble for just trying to get his attention? So, Shirley had called my mom and my mom was pissed she had to come to the school, because she was at work. To my surprise my mom wasn’t even mad at me, she was mad at how dumb the situation was and how everyone escalated it to be a hate crime against chubby kids.

Long story short, I was technically suspended for the rest of the day but I still stayed at school anyway. And I didn’t associate with chubby Duane for the rest of the school year. So moral of the story is, when someone is ignoring you, let them. The End.

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Dirty Little Secrets 3

Welcome back to my blog, Dirty Little Secrets 3. This story is about how I got into trouble as a preteen for….. well just listen to the story. I was in the seventh grade, the first time I noticed that I didn’t have any boobs. Why did I care? Because all my friends had them and my mom didn’t bless me with any. At the time I was friends with this really pretty Puerto Rican girl named Shauna. She became my bestie the first day of school in sixth grade. Now Shauna had really full breasts and I was envious. So when Shauna and I got into a fight (another story for another time), I started a rumor about her stuffing her bra.

Now, the ironic part of this story is that I was the one actually stuffing my bra. Nobody at school knew, but let me explain how I did it and how my mom found out. First of all I had no idea what bra size I even wore but I think it was equivalent to a negative -A. I was skinny and awkward, plus I had no idea how to dress my body. Clearly I was a hot mess. I wore 2 bras 3 sizes bigger and stuffed them with tissue. Then I put a sports bra over those to make them appear realistic? Idk, because they were stiff as fuck and I don’t even remember if anyone noticed that my boobs grew over night.

Fast forward to 8th grade, still stuffing my bra. My mom and I were in the Payless shoe store and I was trying on shoes. I remember this day like it was yesterday. I wore a really cute tight fitted V neck sweater, with some dark jeans and boots, I think. My fake titties are on full display and I think I’m all that. Anyway, as I’m bent down trying on my shoes, I don’t even realize that my mom can see clear into the top of my shirt. She reached over and snatched the balls of tissue out of my shirt and threw them on the floor. It happened so fast I couldn’t even blink. It was like she ripped my chest off, literally.

I looked around but didn’t see anyone else in the isle to witness this embarrassment. However, Payless did have those mirrors on the ceiling and it made the moment even more horrifying. My mom cussed me out too. But all I can remember from that is how small my boobs got and how I would have to do a better job hiding my fake boobs.

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